M*A*S*H (1972-1983) was an American television series, airing on CBS, about a team of doctors and nurses stationed at a fictional U.S. Army hospital (unit number 4077) in Korea, during the Korean War in 1950-53. The series spanned 251 episodes and lasted almost four times as long as the war which served as its setting. The series was based on the 20th Century-Fox film M*A*S*H (an acronym for Mobile Army Surgical Hospital), a big hit of 1970 which was based in turn on the book of the same name.
That's Show Biz
- Margaret: How do you manage to keep it [hair] so beautiful?
- Brandy Doyle: Oh, simple...I give it the night off. (takes off her wig)
- Charles: No offense, Miss Carlyle, but I've always been of the opinion that squeezing is a technique best suited to making orange juice, not music.
- Mulcahy: My Hebrew is a little rusty, but it gets the point across.
- Colonel Potter: I don’t care how poor a man is; if he has family, he’s rich.
Rumor at the Top
- Klinger: Well, as my Uncle Amos used to say, "Those who can't, manage those who can." One of his employees made that up for him.
- Mulcahy: I'd have to confess to myself, and I can be very harsh.
Give 'em Hell, Hawkeye
- Hawkeye: (writing a letter to President Truman) If you end this fiasco right now, I pledge to purchase all your daughter's inimitable records. Don't bother to deliver them. I'd love to pick them up on my way home.
- (wounded soldiers are being brought into camp)
- PA Announcer: Attention all personnel! Quit your dreaming, it's time for the nightmare!
Wheelers and Dealers
- Potter: Grandma Mavis has a saying for everything. No wonder Grandpa Wilmer stomped on his hearing aid.
- Rizzo: Now you gentlemens are new to the Army, or in other words, dumb. When you leave here, you will know this jeep like it was a kissin' cousin, and you will know the rules of the road so good that when you're dead, you will still qualify for a license.
- Charles: (over the PA) Attention all vermin - that's giving you the benefit of the doubt - I have just discovered the untimely disappearance of my May 5 issue of The Boston Globe which has obviously been pilfered by some member of the pernicious race of lowlife which infests this pigmire. Furthermore, I consider no one in this camp above suspicion with the possible exception of that 80% of you who are incapable of reading the English language. Thus, I retract my previous magnanimous offer and none of you cretins will lay one slimy paw on any of my papers until the missing issue is returned! Thank you.
- (to Charles as everyone leaves the mess tent after Charles enters)
- Margaret: Help yourself to some breakfast before us lowlifes steal it all.
- Mulcahy: Hell hath no fury like pernicious vermin scorned.
- BJ: Charles, you just put a whole shoe store in your mouth.
- Potter: Winchester, just a hunch: Will Rogers never met you, did he?
Snap Judgment (Part 1)
- Klinger: Rosie, I need a favor.
- Rosie: Five dollars.
- Klinger: I just wanna talk.
- Rosie: OK, three dollars.
- Charles: In order to have a criminal mentality, one must first have a mentality.
Snappier Judgment (Part 2)
- Charles: Charles Emerson Winchester, defender of the downtrodden.
- Hawkeye: You do all the trodding, that's how they got down.
- Hawkeye: (about Charles) He's the only American who landed in Inchon with traveler's checks.
Twas the Day After Christmas
- Sergeant Pernelli: Last call for my mouthwatering turkey.
- Charles: The bird that gave its life so that others might be ill.
- Charles: A Winchester only recognizes one 5:30 per day. This is not it.
Follies of the Living - Concerns of the Dead
- Klinger: (talking to a post) Colonel Potter, I'd like to help in triage, sir. I'm a little shaky, but while I have any strength at all, I'd like to pitch in. (referring to a dog) OK! let's get this patient into pre-op! Hubba-hubba! Orderly!
- (BJ, Charles, and Hawkeye drinking in the Swamp)
- Hawkeye: All right, what else do we love?
- BJ: You love dirt?
- Hawkeye: Dirt is my life.
- BJ: All right. To dirt.
- Hawkeye: And to the Army that lets us eat it, drink it, breathe it, and salute it.
The Birthday Girls
- Potter: Sorry to break up this pow-wow, boys, but Bossie says it's time to call the cab.
- Hawkeye: You get her up on the table and I'll hold her hand.
- BJ: Does anyone know where I can find a cigar that says, "It's a heifer"?
- Potter: You coming, Winchester? I bet a city fella like you hasn't had a chance to see this before.
- Charles: I've also never had the opportunity to swim in a barrel of live squid.
Blood and Guts
- Potter: Yes, I know I didn't sign the morning reports.
- Klinger: Sir, it would be easier to remember to sign the reports instead of remembering you didn't sign them.
- Potter: I'll remember that.
- Potter: I'll bet you'd love a good breakfast.
- Clayton Kibbee: I sure would, but I'll settle for what you folks eat.
A Holy Mess
- Hawkeye: Eggs? In Korea? Impossible, Korean chickens only lay powder.
- BJ: You know how I like mine? Fried up, so the yolk is a glowing yellow jewel in a shimmering alabaster white.
- Hawkeye: You'd better have your eggs with a cold shower.
The Tooth Shall Set You Free
- (Charles moans of a toothache)
- Hawkeye: Beej, don't forget, in the morning it's your turn to milk Charles.
- Charles: (pointing to a bowl of green vegetables) What does this cure?
- Korean: Hunger. That's my dinner.
- Potter: (Barking an order to Winchester to eat some ice cream) Present...SPOON!
- (after a drink in which a bigoted Major gloats about the casualty rate of African American soldiers)
- Potter: Well mercy me, where are my manners? Major Weems, allow me to introduce Major Quentin Rockingham! Major Rockingham is the Deputy Assistant Chief of Staff for Personnel headquarters, "I-Corps"!
- Weems: Sir, Indeed a pleasure to meet you.
- PA Announcement: Attention! The Chinese have begun a new offensive. Command anticipate heavy casualties within the next twenty-four hours. This is a recording.
- Sidney: Major.
- Charles: Hiya.
- Sidney: First time I've seen you in your summer uniform.
- Charles: This is the real me.
- Sidney: Sorry to hear that.
- Potter: Every month there's a new procedure we have to learn because somebody's come up with an even better way to mutilate the human body! Tell me this, Captain: how the hell am I supposed to keep up with it?!
- Captain: I'm only...
- Potter: If they can invent better ways to kill each other, why can't they invent a way to end this stupid war?!!
Where There's A Will, There's A War
- Potter: (during a long OR session) I was transferred here seven days ago; seems like I've been operating for eight.
- (BJ shouts for joy)
- Potter: Watch the racket, Hunnicutt. This hospital is in a hospital zone.
- BJ: Hawkeye Pierce is alive and well and living at battalion aid.
- Potter: How do you know that?
- BJ: He left his fingerprints are all over this guy.
- Klinger: What are you talking about?
- BJ: Who else but Hawkeye sews vertical mattress stitches with white cotton sutures?
- Surgeon at Battalion Aid: Did you finish your will?
- Hawkeye: All except my best friend. Wait, how did you know it was my will?
- Surgeon at Battalion Aid: I've seen a lot of those written here.
- Klinger: Captain. You really are alive.
- Hawkeye: Nah, that's just a vicious rumor.
- Klinger: What are you working on?
- Hawkeye: Just... catching up on some overdue paperwork (his will).
- Klinger: Get some sleep! If there's one thing I've learned from being company clerk, there's no paperwork that can't wait until tomorrow.
- Hawkeye: That's what I used to think.
- Charles: Ah, even in the sewer the cream rises to the top.
- BJ: You're the one who wanted to turn a guy down because he had a Z in his name.
- Reporter: EEG?
- Hawkeye: Yeah, electroencephalogram.
- Reporter: How do you spell that?
- Hawkeye: I personally spell it EEG.
- Klinger: (seeing that the press has taken over his office) Speaking of drawers and sheets, I was hoping to strip down to one and slip between the other.
Sons and Bowlers
- Hawkeye: Charles, one of the things I've always liked about our relationship is we never let sympathy get in the way.
- Hawkeye: Dad and I are too close to let this all suddenly end with silence 12,000 miles apart.
- Charles: Pierce, you should be grateful that only distance is separating you. My father and I have been 12,000 miles apart in the same room. The most intimate and personal communication at the Winchester household took place at the evening meal. Every night promptly at 7:15, we would gather at the dinner table. The soup would be served, and my father would begin with, "tell us what you did today, Charles." As the elder of the two children, I was given the privilege of speaking first. I would then have until the salad to report the highlights of my day. Even now, the sight of lettuce makes me talk faster. I always assumed that's how it was in every family. But when I see the warmth, closeness, the fun of your relationship. My father's a good man. He always wanted the best of me. But where I have a father, you have a dad.
- BJ: (about Charles) I'll bet he has the largest record collection in all of Korea. Maybe all of Asia. Probably the world. You know, you'd think a guy with that many records wouldn't have a chance to play them all, but he does. It can be done if you have your phonograph on for every minute of every day. And night! But I like it!
- Potter: I just wonder if I'm getting what this painting is really all about: the camaraderie, the affection we have for each other. Oh, I'm getting the bodies all right, but I wonder if I'm getting the souls. Maybe I bit off more than I can chew.
- Klinger: Uh, I have to go sir. (he leaves)
- Potter: Of course son. You know, you people have been closer than kinfolk to me, you make it almost bearable being over here.
- Margaret: Excuse me sir please. (she leaves)
- Potter: Surely. In a way, this painting is a way of sharing my Korean family with my family back home.
- Mulcahy: Of course. Of course. (he leaves leaving Potter at a table by himself)
- Potter: It ain't easy telling people how close you are to 'em when they aren't here.
That Darn Kid
- Hawkeye: That does it, when this war is over I'm going home.
- Potter: This must be the tent that made Milwaukee famous.