M*A*S*H (1972-1983) was an American television series, airing on CBS, about a team of doctors and nurses stationed at a fictional U.S. Army hospital (unit number 4077) in Korea, during the Korean War in 1950-53. The series spanned 251 episodes and lasted almost four times as long as the war which served as its setting. The series was based on the 20th Century-Fox film M*A*S*H (an acronym for Mobile Army Surgical Hospital), a big hit of 1970 which was based in turn on the book of the same name.
Fade Out, Fade In
- Charles: What is that odor?
- Radar: Uh, north wind, cesspool, east wind, latrine.
- Charles: The wind is from the south.
- Radar: Oh, that's the kitchen.
- Hawkeye: [in a toast to Frank's leaving]...Goodbye, Ferret Face!
- Hawkeye: Look, you can't lay all that on my shoulders. Don't you know how much this place stinks? Don't you know what it's like to stand day after day in blood? In the blood of children? I hate this place. And if I can't stand up to it to your satisfaction, then... then the hell with it. How dare you? The hell with your Iowa naivete, and the hell with your hero worship and your teddy bear, and while you're at it, the hell with you! Why don't you grow up, for crying out loud? I'm not here for you to admire. I'm here to pull bodies out of a sausage grinder, if possible without going crazy. Period. (Radar begins to cry) Come on, cut it out. Stop it, will ya!? You ninny!
- Radar: I don't think this place is turning out to be that great an experience for me. I mean I work under terrible pressure and everything and there's a lot of death and destruction and stuff but outside of that I don't think I'm really getting much out of it.
- Hawkeye: (after getting a talking to from Mulcahy, Margaret, and Potter) Radar I'd like to apologize.
- Radar: Oh yeah? Well you can just forget it. Just forget it! The hell with me, huh? The hell with you! How about that? And another thing. I wanna tell you something. Anyone who says anything about Iowa better be prepared to back it up pal. I'll give you a fistful of Iowa naiveteness right in the stomach. How about that, huh?!
- Hawkeye: (stopping the nurse trying to calm Radar down) No, let him go.
- Radar: You know I don't need you to tell me what's what. I know what's what just as well as you do. So why don't you just crawl back in your bottle of booze and pickle yourself?
- BJ: He'll be walking back here in about an hour.
- Hawkeye: He'll be WALKING back?
- BJ: The only thing gassed up in that jeep was US!
- Margaret: (to Colonel Potter) When's the last time I came to you? I ask so little?
- Hawkeye: And she gives so much.
War of Nerves
- Sidney: When Pierce and Hunnicutt lose one, he's out of his misery. When I lose one, I've lost a mind.
- Mulcahy: When I lose one, I've lost a soul. I guess it all depends on your point of view.
- Sidney: (to Klinger) You're a tribute to man's endurance. A monument to hope in size 12 pumps. I hope you do get out someday. There would be a battalion of men in hoop skirts right behind you.
- Margaret: Major Winchester, I'm terribly sorry, would you mind stepping outside and scrubbing up?
- Winchester: Ha-ha, I kindly doubt that would be necessary, Major. I just spent seven and a half minutes scrubbing.
- Margaret: Yes, but that was before you touched your nose.
- Winchester: I beg your pardon?
- Margaret: Your nose, you touched your nose; you're no longer sterile. If you operate now, you will contaminate the field.
- Winchester: Of course. That is precisely what I would do if, in fact, I had touched my nose, which I didn't.
- Margaret: Major, I saw you touch your nose.
- Winchester: Major, do you think my face is insensate? Don't you think that if I had touched my nose, I would've felt it?
- Hawkeye: I just felt something funny over my lip. Maybe it touched my nose.
- BJ: Touched his nose, Charles. You'll have to marry him.
- Margaret: Colonel Potter, I clearly saw Major Winchester touch his nose!
- Hawkeye: You naughty boy.
- Winchester: Colonel, I refuse to spend another seven and a half minutes scrubbing up because of this woman's paranoid hallucinations!
- Potter: She's a pretty good observer, Winchester.
- Winchester: I did not touch my-! [calms] I did not touch my nose.
- Margaret: You did touch your nose! I SAW you touch your nose!
- Hawkeye: It's the Battle of the Noses, ladies and gentlemen! Who do you think is ahead, Captain Honeycutt?
- BJ: Well, Winchester was ahead for a while, but he blew it.
- Hawkeye: Say, that's disgusting.
- Winchester: [Angrily goes to wash] How am I expected to operate in here if I must continually leave to wash my hands?
- Everyone: DON'T TOUCH YOUR NOSE!
The Winchester Tapes
- Hawkeye: You've got to have a pair of pajamas, look around. You had a pair when you got here.
- BJ: I had a lot of things when I got here. Faith, hope, sanity, a liver.
- Charles: I will put this as eloquently and succinctly as possible...(tries to pours tea but a plastic chicken is in the pitcher) ...Get me the hell out of here!
- Charles: [taping a letter to send home] Dear Mother and Dad, I have only been here a short while, but it seems forever. MASH 4077 is truly a nightmare. It is either too cold or it is unbearably hot. I needn't tell you again, I won't be happy until I am out of here. I have even contemplated shooting myself in the foot. But, you know how much I enjoy the annual Deb's Cotillion.
The Light That Failed
- Charles: I would operate in Braille if my fingers weren't frozen.
- Hawkeye: (imitating Charles' accent) Sorry Charles, we're all out of fur-lined rubber gloves.
- Hawkeye: (gleefully, after BJ has ripped chapter 1 out of his book and given to Hawk to read) Heehee! Reading! This just might be better than sex!
- Charles: Certainly takes longer around here.
- BJ: How would you know?
In Love and War
- Hawkeye: Je suis poulet a la poetry.
- (Kyong Soon starts laughing)
- Hawkeye: What?
- Kyong Soon: What did you mean to say?
- Hawkeye: That I'm pulled toward poetry. What did I say?
- Kyong Soon: (still laughing) You said you were a chicken!
- Hawkeye: What does Kyong Soon mean?
- Kyong Soon: It means bright and obedient. But my father used to tease me. I'm not very obedient.
- Sergeant Maxwell: If there's ever anything I can do for you, let me know.
- Hawkeye: How about arresting this war for disturbing the peace?
- Potter: (seeing Klinger in a Class A uniform) Klinger, you're out of uniform!
- Sergeant: (showing Hawkeye, BJ and Radar his tattoo) The Marine emblem, Semper Fidelis.
- BJ: Latin for "always faithful".
- Hawkeye: Well, I'd want to meet the girl first.
- Radar: (about his tattoo) It'll come off when I take a bath.
- Hawkeye: My God, it is permanent.
The M*A*S*H Olympics
- Potter: You're gonna eat your way to a discharge.
- Klinger: I call it "food for freedom".
- Potter: I call it "suicide by salami".
- BJ: You? An athletic scholarship!?
- Hawkeye: That's right, the coach's daughter paid me to leave her alone.
The Grim Reaper
- Charles: Do you happen to have a quarter?
- Hawkeye: All this for a quarter?
- Charles: I have to pry off the cover.
- BJ: 'Course, cover charge.
- Margaret: Look out teeth, look out gums, look out liver, here she comes!
- Charles: Civilization in Korea.
- Potter: You interrupted a Zane Grey gunfight because of a schoolyard spat over a jacket?
- Charles: That jacket is rightfully mine.
- Potter: Major get your mind off collecting fees. This is the army not park avenue.
- Charles: This is Hell's Kitchen.
- Potter: (pointing to boots) See those boots? Picture them kicking you across the compound.
- BJ: Mind if I enter?
- Potter: Sure. You know my hours, 11pm to reveille.
- Charles: Well perjury must have its day in court.
- Potter: Approach the bench.
Comrades in Arms (Part 1)
- Charles: Do you two realize that you are singing two entirely different operas and they're both out of tune?
- Hawkeye: Don't blame me, I didn't write this stuff.
- BJ: Don't do anything I wouldn't do.
- Hawkeye: What don't you do?
- BJ: I'll think of something.
Comrades in Arms (Part 2)
- Margaret: Continental breakfast.
- Hawkeye: Continent of Atlantis.
- Margaret: Huh?
- Hawkeye: That's the one that sank.
- Hawkeye: (talking to Margaret about what to tell Donald about their brief affair) What do you usually tell him?
The Merchant of Korea
- Hawkeye: Who does he think he is, The Merchant of Korea?
- BJ: Stop crying, it's just a pound of flesh.
- Hawkeye: A pound of flesh, my butt.
- BJ: Wherever.
- Hawkeye: What do you think the sentence is for firing an officer out of a Howitzer?
- BJ: 190 years, if you're a first offender.
- Potter: Whose bright idea was this, anyhow?
- Hawkeye: Ask the five-card stud.
- Klinger: Look at him! He doesn't sweat. I ain't seen someone who doesn't sweat before.
- BJ: Sure you have, in the Reptile House.
- Mulcahy: I think I'm gonna fold, while I still have a little left for the orphans.
- Charles: Oh, Father, give them my, (starts to hand Mulcahy a blue poker chip, but switches to a red) give them my best.
- Mulcahy: (pauses) Well, good night everyone.
- Hawkeye: Good night, Mr. Chip.
The Smell of Music
- Charles: (after his French horn is run over) Colonel, what about my horn?
- Potter: By all means, Winchester. Bring it along, we'd love to hear it.
- [Hawkeye and B.J. enter the Swamp as Winchester is playing his French horn, out of tune]
- Hawkeye: From the fashionable Swamp Room high above midtown Ouijongbou come the sadistic sounds of Doc Winchester and his All-Moose Orchestra, who ask the musical question: "Why us!?"
- B.J.: CUT!!
- Potter: Well, official channels could take forever. I remember when I applied for permission to get married. By the time the papers came through, my son was divorced.
Tea and Empathy
- Hawkeye: We have an old saying in America: Get out.
- Klinger: (after he rips his skirt) That was an original. Now they'll make copies and you'll see it all over Korea!
Your Hit Parade
- Charles: (trying to find a place to sleep in Potter's tent) I demand a space for my cot.
- Hawkeye: (picks up a small box) Hello, room service, send up a larger room.
- Charles: (while trying to sleep on his cot in Margaret's tent) Margaret, we are both adults.
- Margaret: Yes, of the opposite sex!
What's Up, Doc?
- Klinger: No, they got something better...me.
- Tom: Huh?
- Klinger: Take me instead of him, I've got your escape plan.
- Tom: I got my own plan...chopper to Seoul, plane back to Ohio.
- Klinger: I'm from Toledo, I know people there, I can make it easy for you.
- Charles: Take him, he's got a plan, I would be lost in Ohio. Take him, please, please? I've never even been to Ohio, he was born and raised there! He's--
- Tom: Okay, okay get out of here, anything's better than you!
- BJ: I think the marines are the only ones with an art history division.
Mail Call Three
- Klinger: When I leave the army, it'll be the honorable way...with a section 8!
- Radar: Colonel! Colonel, it's Klinger, he's back!
- Potter: Thank God he's back alive, I'm gonna kill him!
- Potter: (about Col. Wheatley) He's a real stickler for regulations, especially hair length.
- Hawkeye: I'll pin my hair under my hat, (points to Bigelow) and you better cut those sideburns.
- Captain Roy Dupree: (downing his 'Swamp hooch' in one gulp) Why don't you boys put some whiskey in this punch?
- BJ: You were a fire-eater before you became a doctor.
- Captain Roy Dupree: Shoot, back home, my mama'd sprinkle this stuff on her ironing board!
- Hawkeye: (after Charles takes a swig of the liquid in his hair restorer bottle) Charles, you're drinking your hair!
- Charles: Don't be ridiculous. This is twelve-year-old Scotch. You don't think I'd keep it in the original bottle with you petty larcenists around, do you?
- Hawkeye: Eugggh!
- BJ: What, what?
- Hawkeye: I've been drinking from his Scotch bottle!
- Potter: (after the staff has sung him "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow") Thank you folks, that was really lousy.
- Charles: Well, what do you expect with very little talent and only five minutes' preparation?
Dr. Winchester and Mr. Hyde
- Hawkeye: Winchester, the only people up in Korea at this hour are snipers and milkmen!
- Klinger: I got KP coming up. I'll probably fall asleep on the pudding and die of a concussion.
- Charles: (after one-upping Hawkeye and B.J. with a photo of himself having dinner with Audrey Hepburn) When will you two cretins realize that your feeble imaginations cannot keep up with my real life?
- Boots Miller: Boots Miller on the move here in Korea, where the men are rugged. You can see it in their voices.